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Shark sees a camera and then These days, food is more like my closest friend than a lover, but its influence is just as strong. It's a weird place to find myself in given that as a child, my parents had to force me to eat.

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I was a short, skinny kid who at the age of 4 was so petite that I was mistaken for a toddler. I suffered major problems with my adenoids, tonsils and sinuses and consequently food tasted like snot to me. At age 9, I had my tonsils and adenoids removed. That changed everything. I was just home from the hospital and my parents grabbed cheese-steak subs for themselves for dinner.

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Upstairs in my bedroom, sipping soup and still nursing the post-tonsilectomy sore throat, I suddenly smelled the most delicious aroma. You know how in cartoons a smell wafts and tickles the character under girls nose? That was how those subs smelled to me and I floated downstairs to investigate. As I stood, nude drooling, my mother asked, "Would you like a taste?

I went on to gain about 30 pounds in the months following my surgery and that hasn't slowed. It's not as if I haven't successfully shed weight before, but the moment I start, I figure out some way to undermine it.

My mind attacks me with fat that hurt to even type:. Would desi more attractive girlfriends like me as much if I were "on their level?

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Would the increased attention from men cause my marriage to crumble? Why should I have to live in a constant state of denying myself when others can eat what they want and be slim? And worst of all: What if absolutely nothing changes at all other than my body?

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What will I then blame life's disappointments on? I know that so much of my food and weight issues are really about my emotions.

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I was in my kitchen, waiting for dinner to be ready when I read this passage and broke down sobbing: "Compulsive behavior, at its most fundamental, is a lack of self-love; it is an expression of a belief that we are not good enough.

At that moment I realized that I have been trying to fill my heart by filling my stomach.

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But pinpointing the pain means going places I fear. Living with anxiety, hoping for joy. I'm more afraid of delving into what is killing me and trust me I am so aware that it is killing me than I am of dying.

Every extra pound represents a pain for me, something I don't like to acknowledge, not even to myself. I grew up in a family where we didn't talk about our struggles -- we ate or drank them ukrainian ass porn girls. I have continued that legacy.

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